It's who I am.

I’m so tired I could cry. It’s about 3am. I’ve been laying in bed since around 12am. I’m tired, my eyes burn, But my body just refuses to sleep!

thatartmajor:

At first I’m like:

Then I’m just like:

Tomorrow starts my day of clean eating. No more processed foods. No more fast foods. Only clean, natural foods, that come from Mother Earth. And meat. The reason we can grow our own food is to eat it! The shit that we put into our bodies is actually killing us. It’s time to be healthy, and get fit, NOT skinny! I will see how far I get with one month. I hope I see some good progress. See you when I’m 10 pounds lighter!

I just can’t cope with this anymore

I can’t seem to get off this binge-starve roller coaster

Here I am again, awake at 4am… Body hurts, back pain… Knee pain… Dull-aching hip pain… 1.5 Vicodins haven’t even helped.
It would be great if I could feel normal for once.

Dear Period,
Stop putting me through so much pain.
Sincerely, I’m trying to sleep.

If you’re reading this… You really don’t have to. I feel as though posting something about this might help… I know it really won’t do anything, but it’ll make me feel a little better….

Anyways, Recently, I’ve had the time to kick back and think about my life so far, and I realize I spend more time on the scale, and obsessing over what I should and shouldn’t eat, rather than enjoying life. I wish I could never eat again. I honestly feel better when I don’t eat. Whenever I eat, I just feel super full and sluggish, and just want to sleep.
I can’t even finish a meal. My stomach got full off 2 cookies… And I didn’t eat anything the day before. I know this isn’t normal.
I’m still Uncomfortable eating in public. I feel as though everyone is judging me.
I don’t know, it sounds silly… But it’s real.
But what sucks is that even though I hardly eat, I’m still overweight!!!!
I’ve bought diet pills, and I’ve done unspeakable things, just to lose that one extra pound.
I remember just a few days ago, it took me 8 hours to eat half a plate of orange chicken.
I’m embarrassed admitting that I eat.
I feel happier when my stomach growls. I feel as though… “yes.. That’s 5 less pounds gained”
I’m over this.
I want to eat like a normal human being. I want to like what I see in the mirror.
I hate wanting to change everything about my body…
I’ve been looking into plastic surgery and gastric bypass surgery, because I just hate who I am.
I want to look like and become a different person.
I don’t know. Fuck.
I really hope no one read this.